Thank you Christmas Cheer!

I'm not really happy with where I am right now. Lately I've really wanted to talk to a fortune teller of some kind. I'm tired of wandering around in the dark. I'm having a lot of trouble enjoying the moment. I'm frustrated with work and I'm frustrated that I can't find any acting work. I know it takes a while to start getting work and booking jobs. I just don't like waiting. Or having to work a money job.

I'm not sure what I expect a fortune teller to tell me. I mean of course I know what I want to hear it say: Don't worry, keep on forging on in this direction, you will work as an actor, this is what you're meant to do. Even if she said I will never be an actor I honestly can't imagine not acting anymore. And it's not like I'm gonna let Miss Janet on 45th street next to the sex shop decide what I'm going to do with my life. But it would be easier than making a decision myself.

Tonight I took my mind off of all that by getting myself into the holiday spirit, decorating the apartment and wrapping presents. It took a while to figure out the best way to hang the garland. I think it should all stay now. At least for the next 24 hours. I really need to go to bed now. Bizarre sleeping habits will not help my get out of this funk. This is all for now.

Feeling Stuck

Since last Thursday I had the feeling like I've been going non stop. So when I woke up this morning I told myself I couldn't get myself out of bed to go to this audition because I had too many things I had to take care of first. And that is actually partly true. But honestly I was also just feeling discouraged and frustrated because I don't think I'm as good of a musical theater audition-er as I need to be in order to get called back, ect. ect. Seriously though, I have zero underwear to put on and my work clothes really should be cleaned before tomorrow's shift.

The point is I couldn't even allow myself to enjoy my relaxing sleep in this morning and instead I was annoyed with myself for acting like a slob and laying in bed for so long. But I did go back to sleep after I called in for my on call shift at 7am this morning at the restaurant and when I went back to sleep I had the most bizarre dream about the restaurant. One of the managers who just got promoted (in real life) decided to totally redesign the restaurant and it was expanded and became this huge modern swanky place, all the silverware and dishes were different. The tables and chairs were ultra modern and sleek, the bar was like stainless steel and at the point in the dream where I was trying to get this table's drinks no one was behind the bar so I went behind to pour the drinks, but everything was out of reach. It was like I was five trying to pour myself a glass of water in my mom's kitchen. And I was getting really freakin' pissed because I was the only person around. Before that happened though one of my best friend's brother was training to be the new bartender a the restaurant (even though he's under age). And one of the owners was screaming at one of the bartenders and a couple of the servers (one of them being another one of my best friends Annie) and I was like stop freakin' crying I'm trying to do my freakin' job here! And I was like I really need to leave this place.

Obviously I am having serious sub conscious difficulties with where I work. I wonder if it would be better for me to find a job as a cater waiter. I don't really like working in a restaurant. I just like eating the food. Honestly the job makes me drink, and I'm not even using that as a euphemism. Literally, I go to bars after work, I buy liquer to drink at home, sometimes by myself. It certainly isn't helping my personal campaign to loose weight. And I didn't use to do this before.

Coffee break.

Something else I realized that doesn't help to lessen my anxiety is the fact that I have no sense of time. Honestly. I never know what day is going to come next until I look at my iCal, which currently is the anchor of my life, and I don't know where I would be without it. Probably standing in the middle of midtown going, is it Thursday? What time is it? What day is it? It's November right? And I'm still in New York? Is this real life?

Seriously though, when I go to the bathroom I stop and think to myself, this is real right? I'm actually sitting on a toilet and peeing. Because sometimes I get confused about what's a dream, what's real. This happens to me. Not constantly, just sometimes. Good thing no one reads my blog or someone would be committing me to the psych ward.

Today I am going to dance class, maybe even two! That will put me in a great mood hopefully. I didn't go to the gym once in October, not once! What am I doing with myself? Besides the idea exercise=weight loss, I really think it makes me a happier person because I feel good about making good decisions and I have so much energy! Today is important, I'm going to do my laundry, read, prepare for auditions and to top it all off go to dinner with Meggie! Hussah! I can't wait. Most importantly this day off is important to me and will benefit my life. Whoa that sounded a little like Oprah possessed me for a moment.

5 people are currently staying in my 4 bedroom apartment because there's some overlap between one roommate leaving and another moving in. At least our living room seems to be handling the burden pretty well. I can't believe it's November already. I can't wait to see what holidays I'll be working at the restaurant. It'll be ok though because everyone says that you make a lot of money on the holidays, it seems like and even trade, if I can't celebrate with my family then I better be getting paid a lot of money.

I feel like there's a lot of clutter in my life. Probably because I can't fit a bookcase in this tiny room so everything pretty much ends up on my desk. Definitely need to get a big garbage bag and throw out all the garbage/useless stuff in my room. Basically I have lots to do, but instead of making the list smaller and getting things done I decide to sit here blogging. But this is important too, I need to maintain the habit. After this I'm going to search Backstage for auditions and also schedule some dance classes for myself, because it's necessary! I need to start preparing. I think I should make a rule, like at least one tap class and one theater dance class a week. Sounds good to me. Now I just need to make it happen...

This past weekend was trying. I have never needed booze after a work shift as much as I did this weekend. I just can't deal with people in general anymore, they make me so angry and I can't figure out if it's because I feel like I'm stuck in this job or what. But I do know that this job is making me an angry person and I don't think I like that. I love the idea of leaving your money job and just auditioning and forcing yourself to find acting work. I wonder how that would go for me. I have a feeling that if I go out and do summer stock I'll not want to go back to working a money job again. What would I do if I absolutely had to make money acting. The fact is I just don't have the savings to do something like that. I have no way of paying rent if I do that. But that idea is just so interesting to me. Would I pass or fail? Will I not be able to succeed because I will never push myself to that extreme and will alway operate in this comfort zone?

At least I've been going to one audition a week for the past three weeks, that's more than I can say for September. I really need to start preparing for the summer stock season by going to dance classes and getting better at tapping and also just learning choreography. Definitely need an awesome 16 bar cut nailed down too. I have such a hard time finding 16 bar cuts. Someone show me the light, please. Ok, must clean room before I go to bed tonight so I can operate tomorrow.

I've been working on keeping up with my audition log and I'm kind of upset to realize I've only been on 35 auditions since Feb. 10, 2010. I remember talking to a girl I did the Springboard program with and she went on about 200 auditions in a year. I'm suddenly feeling like what the hell have I been doing? But that's not counting submissions I've sent out for audition appointments and there are a couple actor connection seminars that aren't included in that as well. But still! Changing that number ASAP. Buckling down. Going on Backstage now.

It's so cold in my room, definitely need to get dad to take out the air conditioning unit out of my window. Today was long. And I totally bombed my audition. But I learned a couple things
1) warm up before you audition even if it's 5 in the morning
2) don't use a song you haven't practiced with an accompanist or voice teacher no matter how well it applies to what they're casting.

(sleepy time)

So I was way too freakin' tired this morning after getting very little sleep the past couple of nights and didn't go to either of the EPAs I was planning on hitting up. I'm really pissed at myself but I'm calming myself down, telling myself that I have a lot of other things I can get done today that will help my career also. Like submitting online for film auditions finding songs to work on and washing my work clothes. Not all is lost. Maybe even some things were saved. Now Breakfast.

Serious chocolate craving subsided. Really productive day, I feel like things are falling into place for me finally. Somehow I've become comfortable with being frugal, before not spending money made me feel like I was trapped in a box that was closing in on me. Maybe I figured out how to distract myself. Or maybe I'm more focused on auditioning and acting class which is making me a happier person. I like to think that's the reason.

I cannot wait until this Saturday morning when I get to have Brunch finally! I'm so use to working it myself that I just won't know what to do with myself, I'll probably get drunk on mimosas and nap until work that night.

Note to self: remember you have a blog and should update it just for your mental health, because you're really the only one who reads it anyways, let's be real.

Everyday is turning into a double shift day and I think it's starting to wear. Of course it is, I have 3 jobs, what was I thinking? It's not like I have a golden lasso or anything. But I'm so happy to be doing scene work and pretending to me a real actor again, it's fun! And being around a bunch of theater people keeps me motivated. I'm still having a hard time buying food for myself. I just never know what to eat/my fridge is a mess and filled with crap my roommates have made and some stuff seriously needs to be thrown out, and it's not like I'm about to dive into that task soon. There aren't any great take out places around me either. I don't understand what happened to me, I use to love to cook and make things, now I'm just lazy I guess. Ok, putting together a list now: cheese for grilled cheese, lettuce and tomato for salad and what the hell, and onion and cucumber too. That'll do for today, since I'll be working from tonight through the weekend non stop probs. Don't even get me started on the gym. It's so hard for me to get there three times a week, I'm so mad at myself. Maybe I should cancel it and just try to go to dance classes. Maybe I should declare one day that is always my day off work... maybe it should be wednesday. There are a lot of maybes in the last few sentences.

Need to refocus. Current goals: Book summer stock musical theater. Make/Save more money. These two things don't really go hand in hand. I need to pay for classes in order to better my odds of getting cast, but if I keep spending money how can save it?

Blarg. The decision making process continues.

Home for the day, so nice to have extra space to jump around in. Made pancakes for my big girl friend Meggie before her 2nd day of working in the real world. Congratulations on growing up!

It's funny but I feel like my brother always puts my career bluntly in perspective for me. When I come home he always asks if I'm going to be on Broadway yet and yesterday when he picked me up from the train station he goes: So have you been going to a lot of auditions? And I reply well I went to one last week and he goes One? And laughs out loud. His social awkwardness aside, he has a point. Who am I kidding? What can I expect to accomplish if I don't constantly audition. Thanks David, who knew you were such a career coach. He also suggested I use You Tube to become popular. I should start paying him a commission.

Looking forward to starting acting classes and scene work again. Now I need to get into research/reading mode to find scenes I want to work on. I went to this seminar the other week and the leader kept saying "Research is sexy" because really, as actors if you want to be successful, you have to do a lot of it. I like that saying. RESEARCH IS SEXY! Turn me on Inter-webz!

Learning to shop all over again

Exhausted. I hate thinking about money, but it's nearly impossible to avoid. Lately when I start to get too wound up I make myself read a book so I can become distracted by something else. All I'm doing is worrying and that's not going to help. I know it'll work out fine, and I'm sick of feeling stressed and pressured.

I bought a new pair of work shoes on zappos.com the other day. Besides the fact that I love online shopping, I seriously was in need of an up-grade. If I don't have good support on my footsies, I'm gonna end up with a whole lot more of those ugly-ass spider veins. And my $20 Payless solution for work shoes are not getting the job done ne'mo. I can't believe they lasted as long as they did to begin with.

Honestly, for all the shopping potential that NYC holds, I don't find the idea of going out and shopping here that appealing because you have to travel from store to store. Like walk a couple blocks, mind the crazies and possible ride the bus/subway. And it's probably gonna be crowded. It's time like these I long for the mega-absolutely-enormous-malls of New Jersey.

But I made a list of what I will be accomplishing on my day off, and I'm most excited about getting a library card! I hope it's not too difficult. I have this feeling it is going to be just that. Only time will tell I suppose.

In other news, I think I've mastered the art of grocery shopping for myself. Let me tell you it was oddly harder than it should have been. I'm so use to living in a house where there are tons of mouths to feed. I learned grocery shopping from my mom and she was buying for a house full of mouths. But me, I'm just one person and I'm only eating at my apartment 2 days out of the week probably. So I decided to adopt a more "European" way of shopping if you will. If I have the day off and know I will be eating at home, I go to the store that day to buy whatever I will be able to ingest that one day. It sounds so idiotically simple, but honestly it took me a little while to figure it out, a couple moldy boxes of strawberries, 2 rotten peaches to be exact. Also, I blame the super market with their 3 for $5 deals and such. I think I'm getting a bargain but really I'm watching my money rot because I don't end up eating it all, those sneaky buggers.

Well in the words of the ever wise Alanis, you live, you learn, you adopt French habits. Ok that last part was my own addition, but you get the idea.

I want to speak French.

Correction: I want to speak French more often. I was just reminded of how beautiful it sounds coming out of your mouth. Plus I feel like an idiot knowing only one language at the restaurant I work at. You'd think I was in the United Nations with all the languages I hear spoken everyday. But I'm not, I just work next to this hotel that apparently is all the rage all over Europe because those seem to be the only people who stay there. And most of them haven't caught on to the whole tipping your waiter more than 10% thing. Lucky for me.

I'm tired of being jealous of all those beautiful sounding, svelte beret heads, I'm going to be well rounded dammit. I heard of this website where you can video chat with someone and practice a foreign language. But I am sure to get lost in the ocean of google trying to find it. In the mean time I'll watch french movies online and use my imagination. Cue cravings for a pain au chocolat.

Well rounded-ness is bound to make me fat.

This old thing?

I became very busy after my last blog post to say the least.

Cliff Notes version: Got a job, kept auditioning, taking classes, signed lease on apartment, was just cast in my first production in New York.

Nothing to phone home about really, it's a non-paying one act about high schoolers auditioning for A Chorus Line, which I think is hilarious, and it's nice to be working on something and quell my fears that I will never ever be in a real show again. For now.

July was hectic, August is already starting to feel more soothing. Starting off with a nice relaxing day with my sister. I'm so lucky to live near to my family. I like to think I could handle total and complete independence thousands of miles away from home just fine, but it really helps to have the fam near by.

I still have tons of random tid-bits that need to get done. In the midst of all my tid-bits though, I seriously need to brush up on my French. I always hear people speaking it in the restaurant and it makes me want to speak with them, but I lack so much confidence in that department. It's time for more change and confidence and inspiration.

I picked up backstage the other day and there were all these books that the Drama Book Shop said were really inspiring for actors -- must reads, so I walk in and I'm like where can I find these books and they're like: Oh these books? They're out of print. Ok well that was helpful. I'm so glad I took the time to read this article. Great. Moving on to more positive things, I'm all registered for One on One, now I just need the savings to pay for me to meet all these wonderful directors and casting directors and agents.

I'm thinking August will be my saving-up-for-things month. Great choice since nearly everyone in Manhattan goes on vacation in August and therefore will not be eating at my restaurant and therefore will not be tipping me.

Ok so how about September instead... everyone reluctantly coming back to live in their overcrowded city and paying me some monies. Yes, I think that's a better idea.

I swear I will write more than once every 4 months. It's for my peace of mind, therapy... or to make my self think I'm important. Does it really matter why I do it? It's not like anyone reads this thing.

Moving on, wait where do I go?

I realized something recently, I need energy, positive energy! It's so easy for me to go to Sad Grumpy Land now a days, and the rain isn't helping. I think the key to unleashing this ball of positive energy I keep under lock down is ... exercise! I definitely don't get enough of it. It would be a great solution to my constantly-wanting-to-eat syndrome and sweet cravings. It would offer a distraction and it doesn't have to cost much. I can run in the park, and until the rain clears up I have 4 more dance classes left on my Steps dance card and there's also Yoga to the People.

Other things that would help: waking up before noon, getting out of my bedroom before 2pm, not getting sucked into watching TV shows online or on dvd. But most of all I need to stop comparing myself to other people; A little kernel of knowledge my parents shared with me this weekend. And when I felt moisture starting to swell up in my eyes after I realized that they hit on something major. It drives me crazy, honestly it's what I think about almost all the time. Sitting in a room filled with over a hundred girls for over 2 hours waiting to sing 8 bars in front of three people who will make a snap decision about you, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else there. I look at their resumes, filled with credits, they're not afraid to let people see all of the fabulous projects they got to work on. Then I get all woe-as-me, why would they ever choose me, and I really don't want to be that person! I don't want to be comforted and I don't want to have to go home and eat my emotions, which I am really excellent at by the way.

It kills myself esteem, it's not healthy for me, it's not helping. What makes it worse is after these auditions, I have no job to run to, or errands to run, or anything else to distract me from just lingering on how the audition went, what I could have done better, and the fact that I got rejected, again. That needs to change. Today I'm hoping to change that, I'm determined to actually. It's going to happen, I'm going to find a money job and get the hell out of this room!

I sound so sad, I didn't use to feel like this all the time. I need to lighten the hell up.

Everything's up in the air

It's been a little while since I wrote a new entry and lots has been going on over in these here parts, so buckle in and stay focused as I bring this rusty old thing up to speed.

I was working full time at Modell's Sporting Goods, but I quit a week and a half ago because I didn't have anytime to audition for shows, now I am currently unemployed, still living in my cute little apt on the upper west side very rapidly snowballing towards being dead broke.

The only reason I am still unemployed is my boyfriend David stayed with me for his Spring Break (along with a whole gaggle of IU Theatre students, except they weren't staying in my teeny apartment with me-thank god.) so I didn't have time to job search. We did lots of fun theater kid stuff like seeing tons of shows. We visited my house in NJ, went to an extended family gathering and tried to not spend all our money on alcohol. He just left Monday, and suddenly reality is smacking me square in the face. It's looking at me with a devilish smirk and saying "I hope you know what you're doing, failure can and very well might happen." Of course I try to focus my attention elsewhere so I don't end up with too many empty containers of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food in my garbage.

I just finished my improv class and had a couple of promising auditions, with many more to come in the next couple of weeks hopefully. It is so bizarre not waking up in the morning and going to work all day. It's a quarter to one and I'm still in my PJs, it's just insanity. It is so easy for me to get down on myself. Even though I have been really productive in the past two days. I found some work I can do, in April albeit.

I think I don't know what to focus on. I was going to go to an audition this morning and yesterday morning but I couldn't pull myself out of bed to go to either of them. Which makes me feel like a waste of space when I wake up hours later. Then it goes downhill from there, I watch a couple episodes of Gilmore Girls, sit in my room with the light off and sneak into the kitchen to make breakfast because I don't want to run into one of my roommates and talk to them about how I'm home now because I left my job so I can pursue my acting career. I just know they're probably thinking, oh sh*t she's probably not going to be able to pay her rent now, even though I will be able to pay rent on time, because I have to, I just need to make it to the kitchen and have some coffee first.

Ok I think I figured out a game plan. I need to find motivation and prioritize. #1 find way to make money so you are not so stressed you can't wake up in the morning. So that is what I will focus on today! Finding another job which could start immediately, specifically looking at waitressing/hostessing positions. #2 Practice your audition pieces so the four auditions you have written out for next week will go smoothly and I'll have no excuses for missing out on them.

Also it's probably a good idea to set a wake up time for days when I don't have anything to do in the morning just so I don't feel like a slovenly mess in the morning because that can kill my motivation for the day.

Ok that is more than enough for one blog post. it is now time for me to go out and seize the day! More to come soon. Now that I don't have a steady job, I really have no excuse for not writing.

Well, here I am!

So I have been so busy starting two new classes, finding things for my new apartment, moving in to my apartment that I never really finished my whole finding an apartment story. So I'll give it to you short and sweet. In true fairy-tale style the third apartment I looked at ended up to be the one. It's a great neighborhood, near parks and all kinds of stores and restaurants and bars and people that I have yet to think are anything other than normal. Four bedrooms with smarty pants Columbia grad students, me being the "professional" because I have a full time day job... hilarious in a word, that I am the professional in this scenario. So two weeks later and two minivans full of my life later, here I am sitting in the piece of Manhattan I managed to carve out for myself. It's funny how so many people live on such a tiny island, it's really overwhelming to me -how many people live here that I have to force myself to stop thinking about everyone else and focus on myself, because otherwise I'd getting nothing done and just sit in a corner eating chocolate and watching Gilmore Girls till someone finds my bloated smelly body.

Moving on. It's only been two days and already I can't believe how much free time I have. I just don't know what to do with myself. I almost want to do absolutely nothing so I can remember what it feels like. I watch endless amounts of TV online and think of all the things I can do that are free, because I have no money until I get paid on Friday which, might I add, are very few during winter time when you feel like you might lose a finger from frostbite when you walk outside. So far, I've got: take a yoga class at Yoga to the People, watch TV online and eat everything in my fridge. This of course is idiotic because you will soon be hungry again and need to buy more groceries. Oh and there's always read a book. If only I belonged to a gym...or it was warm enough to run outside.. or I owned work out dvds... Then I could feel better about eating everything in my fridge. I guess the brainstorming session will need to continue. Until next time.

Sincerely,

Poor new New Yorker

Here I go!

I'm moving out! Two weeks into the new year and I can tell this is going to be a really exciting one. Generally speaking it seems like it will be a who-knows-what's-next fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of year, but in a good way. Starting with figuring out where the heck I'm gonna live, because it sure as hell wasn't gonna be at my parents house for much longer. It's funny how time seems to go by so slowly but when I look back, things were happening pretty rapidly. And that's the way I like it.

I officially started my apartment hunting last Saturday (thank you Craigslist). I am now an expert finder of red flags. Anyone who just lists their number is creepy, never trust any picture you see, even when they look amature. Scammers apparently have horrible grammar. Which doesn't make any sense. But I guess that's why they're a craigslist scammer and have never moved on to more professional, high profile scams. Am I right or am I right? In strictly my opinion- the ones that sound like you might have written them yourself are the ones that are most promising. Would you write NO Tv NO drugs NO alcohol for all your potential roommates to see? You my as well say don't ever expect to have fun or enjoy living here. Chances are you wouldn't be able to stand them either.

Now I am a wise craigslist browser, and it didn't take long for me to learn. This week I saw three apartments, Tuesday, Wed, Thurs. I have a feeling this is going to sound a bit like Goldie locks and the three bears which is kind of how I felt in general, looking for a place in ny. Me the young vulnerable girl from Jersey and New York - a bear of a city that could very well eat you alive or suck your life savings out from under you before you realize it.

Anyhow, Tuesday afternoon comes and my sister and I take the 1 up to 86th street. I really like that area of the city, there are shops around and I know people who live close by. As my sister and I made it up the 6th flight of stairs when we realized that was either cat piss or bad Indian food we were smelling and I began to feel apprehensive. I rang the door bell and an older black man opened the door, I tried to introduce myself but he didn't seem to notice I was talking, instead he motioned to what was the bathroom and continued to watch sports center as if his life depended on it. The place was dirty, there was a mop by the bath tub and the place had obviously not been renovated in the slightest from the '50s. It took about 10 seconds for me and my sister to get the hell out of there, meanwhile in my head I'm being my paranoid self, running through every way this guy could decide to abduct us or murder us, hello CSI: NY.

The next day a friend and I checked out a place farther north on the West side near Columbia. It was very nearly Versailles compared to what I had witnessed the night before. Hard wood floors, a bathroom with out a mop, and no creepy dude. Definitely a step up but I still had to see other potentials in order to make a final decision, I don't want to make a rash decision just because I happened to see a slightly terrifying option to start with.

This post is getting entirely too long. More on the apartment search in my next post.

I'm sure you're wrapped with intrigue.