So I did everything I thought I was going to do today-run and bake cupcakes-and really not a whole lot more. Which is fine with me because I am still on vacation in my beautiful summer home (aka mom and dad's).

This comfortable living will of course end soon as I am moving back into NYC this Saturday, and then promptly turning around and driving back home with my parents to spend Labor day weekend with them. Silly, I know but it will be easiest this way, because who wants to do any physical labor on Labor Day? Not this girl.

Trying to stick to a diet but it's hard when you have a compulsion to bake cupcakes. I will be making dinner though tomorrow night, so I have to search to find the perfect recipe for it, something nice and summery in honor of the last fleeting days of it. Fall doesn't start until Sept. 23rd and it's not like I am going back to school or anything.

Well, it kinda does feel like I'm going back to school, now that I think about it. I had a summer away in the rolling hills of the Berkshires and now back to the city, to complete my lesson on how to start a career as an actor. Hopefully this time I'll pass.

I've realized I'm really good at feeling sorry for myself. It needs to stop so I'm going to distract myself by going on a run tomorrow and then making cupcakes which I will surely consume not long after.

It's just that it's difficult to be on facebook and see how successful your friends are and then think about how you were finally cast in a show and had to turn it down in the end because you can't afford to do it because it doesn't really pay... damn you status updates, you've got me doing it again. I am banning myself from facebook. This will be more difficult than trying to not drink coffee, which only lasted 3 days. I'll delete the app from my phone, maybe that will help.

At least for now I should put the computer away and go to sleep. Then in the morning I will just watch tv and feel depressed about how much skinnier the actresses on tv are compared to me. And the camera adds 10 lbs!

Maybe I should just admit this battle against self-pity is one I'm never going to win.

decisions, delusions

I am currently vacationing at my summer home. And by summer home I mean my parent's house in Jersey. My vacay was interrupted slightly by Ms. Hurricane Irene, but luckily no damage was done to my area in-particular.

More troublesome to my relaxing vacay than the storm system is all the anxiety I feel while trying to make a couple important decisions. Well, they feel very important to me. Certainly not earth shattering to most people. Let me fill you in: I got cast in Pirates of Penzance at Fiddlehead Theater Co., here's the catch, I thought I'd get a weekly stipend but I wouldn't and I need to find my own housing. I'm having a really hard time deciding if I am either:

A.) Turning into one of those people who starts to sabotage themselves so they can't truly succeed.

Or

B.) Ignoring a strong gut feeling/instinct that I should listen to and will really make me happy in the end.

Here is what I know- It has been a very long time since I was cast in a real musical, it has been a long time since I last performed in a full stage production. In every senario I can possibly work out in my head I will be losing money from pursuing this endeavor. I can't really afford to lose money right now. I keep dreaming about imporv.

More scary still, here are the unkowns: I don't know if I will get cast in anything when I move back to New York.

That is a pretty big unknown. Here's one more: I don't know if the experience of doing this show will help me or hurt me.

The more I think about it the more I have subconsciously decided that I don't think I can do this show. And I know at first after officially making that decision I will feel a wave of relief and then regret and possibly I'll have a fire under my butt flaming a-new with the requirement that I book a show in order to fill this ugly void.

Before I decide I'm going to have to do some number crunching and online horoscope searching, because lets face it, I need some help in making this decision.

I can't believe the summer is over. I know, people say this every year around the last week of August. It always goes so quickly especially when you're enjoying yourself. I was definitely enjoying myself in the Berkshires. I actually feel renewed coming back into the city. I didn't think I was going to feel that way when I was leaving nyc to work in Pittsfield, MA where Barrington Stage Company is, so you can imagine my surprise when I feel like I can't wait to hit the ground running when I'm officially moved back into my apartment.

Today getting off the bus at Port Authority it was good to meet up with a friendly face. Getting lunch in that area I could sense a group of people around me who were my competition, talking about what audition they were coming from toting their audition back pack-ready to quick change into a dress and heels and belt out a 16 bar uptempo in the blink of an eye.

I immediately felt this dread of: oh great now I'm in a huge pool of girls just like me again, how am I going to stand out from the crowd, how can I get myself to wake up every morning to get rejected and wait in a room with all these beautiful talented girls which I can't help but compare myself to. Then I told myself to stop. Live in the moment, you're having lunch with your friend, enjoy that time. Don't think negatively, it will get you nowhere fast. It's easier said than done, but it helped. The more I focus on myself the easier it is to not be concerned with what everyone else is doing. That sounds horrible though. I don't want to turn into someone who is completely self involved. Yet, if I want to be an actor, I don't know if I have a choice.

This week I'm on vacation as far as I'm concerned. I don't start this new phase of my life: back in nyc and better than ever, until after Sept. 1. So for now I'm focused on what's on tv and what's for lunch. After that I'll get back to what's there to audition for.