Feeling Stuck

Since last Thursday I had the feeling like I've been going non stop. So when I woke up this morning I told myself I couldn't get myself out of bed to go to this audition because I had too many things I had to take care of first. And that is actually partly true. But honestly I was also just feeling discouraged and frustrated because I don't think I'm as good of a musical theater audition-er as I need to be in order to get called back, ect. ect. Seriously though, I have zero underwear to put on and my work clothes really should be cleaned before tomorrow's shift.

The point is I couldn't even allow myself to enjoy my relaxing sleep in this morning and instead I was annoyed with myself for acting like a slob and laying in bed for so long. But I did go back to sleep after I called in for my on call shift at 7am this morning at the restaurant and when I went back to sleep I had the most bizarre dream about the restaurant. One of the managers who just got promoted (in real life) decided to totally redesign the restaurant and it was expanded and became this huge modern swanky place, all the silverware and dishes were different. The tables and chairs were ultra modern and sleek, the bar was like stainless steel and at the point in the dream where I was trying to get this table's drinks no one was behind the bar so I went behind to pour the drinks, but everything was out of reach. It was like I was five trying to pour myself a glass of water in my mom's kitchen. And I was getting really freakin' pissed because I was the only person around. Before that happened though one of my best friend's brother was training to be the new bartender a the restaurant (even though he's under age). And one of the owners was screaming at one of the bartenders and a couple of the servers (one of them being another one of my best friends Annie) and I was like stop freakin' crying I'm trying to do my freakin' job here! And I was like I really need to leave this place.

Obviously I am having serious sub conscious difficulties with where I work. I wonder if it would be better for me to find a job as a cater waiter. I don't really like working in a restaurant. I just like eating the food. Honestly the job makes me drink, and I'm not even using that as a euphemism. Literally, I go to bars after work, I buy liquer to drink at home, sometimes by myself. It certainly isn't helping my personal campaign to loose weight. And I didn't use to do this before.

Coffee break.

Something else I realized that doesn't help to lessen my anxiety is the fact that I have no sense of time. Honestly. I never know what day is going to come next until I look at my iCal, which currently is the anchor of my life, and I don't know where I would be without it. Probably standing in the middle of midtown going, is it Thursday? What time is it? What day is it? It's November right? And I'm still in New York? Is this real life?

Seriously though, when I go to the bathroom I stop and think to myself, this is real right? I'm actually sitting on a toilet and peeing. Because sometimes I get confused about what's a dream, what's real. This happens to me. Not constantly, just sometimes. Good thing no one reads my blog or someone would be committing me to the psych ward.

Today I am going to dance class, maybe even two! That will put me in a great mood hopefully. I didn't go to the gym once in October, not once! What am I doing with myself? Besides the idea exercise=weight loss, I really think it makes me a happier person because I feel good about making good decisions and I have so much energy! Today is important, I'm going to do my laundry, read, prepare for auditions and to top it all off go to dinner with Meggie! Hussah! I can't wait. Most importantly this day off is important to me and will benefit my life. Whoa that sounded a little like Oprah possessed me for a moment.

5 people are currently staying in my 4 bedroom apartment because there's some overlap between one roommate leaving and another moving in. At least our living room seems to be handling the burden pretty well. I can't believe it's November already. I can't wait to see what holidays I'll be working at the restaurant. It'll be ok though because everyone says that you make a lot of money on the holidays, it seems like and even trade, if I can't celebrate with my family then I better be getting paid a lot of money.

I feel like there's a lot of clutter in my life. Probably because I can't fit a bookcase in this tiny room so everything pretty much ends up on my desk. Definitely need to get a big garbage bag and throw out all the garbage/useless stuff in my room. Basically I have lots to do, but instead of making the list smaller and getting things done I decide to sit here blogging. But this is important too, I need to maintain the habit. After this I'm going to search Backstage for auditions and also schedule some dance classes for myself, because it's necessary! I need to start preparing. I think I should make a rule, like at least one tap class and one theater dance class a week. Sounds good to me. Now I just need to make it happen...