This past weekend was trying. I have never needed booze after a work shift as much as I did this weekend. I just can't deal with people in general anymore, they make me so angry and I can't figure out if it's because I feel like I'm stuck in this job or what. But I do know that this job is making me an angry person and I don't think I like that. I love the idea of leaving your money job and just auditioning and forcing yourself to find acting work. I wonder how that would go for me. I have a feeling that if I go out and do summer stock I'll not want to go back to working a money job again. What would I do if I absolutely had to make money acting. The fact is I just don't have the savings to do something like that. I have no way of paying rent if I do that. But that idea is just so interesting to me. Would I pass or fail? Will I not be able to succeed because I will never push myself to that extreme and will alway operate in this comfort zone?

At least I've been going to one audition a week for the past three weeks, that's more than I can say for September. I really need to start preparing for the summer stock season by going to dance classes and getting better at tapping and also just learning choreography. Definitely need an awesome 16 bar cut nailed down too. I have such a hard time finding 16 bar cuts. Someone show me the light, please. Ok, must clean room before I go to bed tonight so I can operate tomorrow.

I've been working on keeping up with my audition log and I'm kind of upset to realize I've only been on 35 auditions since Feb. 10, 2010. I remember talking to a girl I did the Springboard program with and she went on about 200 auditions in a year. I'm suddenly feeling like what the hell have I been doing? But that's not counting submissions I've sent out for audition appointments and there are a couple actor connection seminars that aren't included in that as well. But still! Changing that number ASAP. Buckling down. Going on Backstage now.

It's so cold in my room, definitely need to get dad to take out the air conditioning unit out of my window. Today was long. And I totally bombed my audition. But I learned a couple things
1) warm up before you audition even if it's 5 in the morning
2) don't use a song you haven't practiced with an accompanist or voice teacher no matter how well it applies to what they're casting.

(sleepy time)

So I was way too freakin' tired this morning after getting very little sleep the past couple of nights and didn't go to either of the EPAs I was planning on hitting up. I'm really pissed at myself but I'm calming myself down, telling myself that I have a lot of other things I can get done today that will help my career also. Like submitting online for film auditions finding songs to work on and washing my work clothes. Not all is lost. Maybe even some things were saved. Now Breakfast.

Serious chocolate craving subsided. Really productive day, I feel like things are falling into place for me finally. Somehow I've become comfortable with being frugal, before not spending money made me feel like I was trapped in a box that was closing in on me. Maybe I figured out how to distract myself. Or maybe I'm more focused on auditioning and acting class which is making me a happier person. I like to think that's the reason.

I cannot wait until this Saturday morning when I get to have Brunch finally! I'm so use to working it myself that I just won't know what to do with myself, I'll probably get drunk on mimosas and nap until work that night.

Note to self: remember you have a blog and should update it just for your mental health, because you're really the only one who reads it anyways, let's be real.

Everyday is turning into a double shift day and I think it's starting to wear. Of course it is, I have 3 jobs, what was I thinking? It's not like I have a golden lasso or anything. But I'm so happy to be doing scene work and pretending to me a real actor again, it's fun! And being around a bunch of theater people keeps me motivated. I'm still having a hard time buying food for myself. I just never know what to eat/my fridge is a mess and filled with crap my roommates have made and some stuff seriously needs to be thrown out, and it's not like I'm about to dive into that task soon. There aren't any great take out places around me either. I don't understand what happened to me, I use to love to cook and make things, now I'm just lazy I guess. Ok, putting together a list now: cheese for grilled cheese, lettuce and tomato for salad and what the hell, and onion and cucumber too. That'll do for today, since I'll be working from tonight through the weekend non stop probs. Don't even get me started on the gym. It's so hard for me to get there three times a week, I'm so mad at myself. Maybe I should cancel it and just try to go to dance classes. Maybe I should declare one day that is always my day off work... maybe it should be wednesday. There are a lot of maybes in the last few sentences.

Need to refocus. Current goals: Book summer stock musical theater. Make/Save more money. These two things don't really go hand in hand. I need to pay for classes in order to better my odds of getting cast, but if I keep spending money how can save it?

Blarg. The decision making process continues.