Moving on, wait where do I go?

I realized something recently, I need energy, positive energy! It's so easy for me to go to Sad Grumpy Land now a days, and the rain isn't helping. I think the key to unleashing this ball of positive energy I keep under lock down is ... exercise! I definitely don't get enough of it. It would be a great solution to my constantly-wanting-to-eat syndrome and sweet cravings. It would offer a distraction and it doesn't have to cost much. I can run in the park, and until the rain clears up I have 4 more dance classes left on my Steps dance card and there's also Yoga to the People.

Other things that would help: waking up before noon, getting out of my bedroom before 2pm, not getting sucked into watching TV shows online or on dvd. But most of all I need to stop comparing myself to other people; A little kernel of knowledge my parents shared with me this weekend. And when I felt moisture starting to swell up in my eyes after I realized that they hit on something major. It drives me crazy, honestly it's what I think about almost all the time. Sitting in a room filled with over a hundred girls for over 2 hours waiting to sing 8 bars in front of three people who will make a snap decision about you, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else there. I look at their resumes, filled with credits, they're not afraid to let people see all of the fabulous projects they got to work on. Then I get all woe-as-me, why would they ever choose me, and I really don't want to be that person! I don't want to be comforted and I don't want to have to go home and eat my emotions, which I am really excellent at by the way.

It kills myself esteem, it's not healthy for me, it's not helping. What makes it worse is after these auditions, I have no job to run to, or errands to run, or anything else to distract me from just lingering on how the audition went, what I could have done better, and the fact that I got rejected, again. That needs to change. Today I'm hoping to change that, I'm determined to actually. It's going to happen, I'm going to find a money job and get the hell out of this room!

I sound so sad, I didn't use to feel like this all the time. I need to lighten the hell up.

Everything's up in the air

It's been a little while since I wrote a new entry and lots has been going on over in these here parts, so buckle in and stay focused as I bring this rusty old thing up to speed.

I was working full time at Modell's Sporting Goods, but I quit a week and a half ago because I didn't have anytime to audition for shows, now I am currently unemployed, still living in my cute little apt on the upper west side very rapidly snowballing towards being dead broke.

The only reason I am still unemployed is my boyfriend David stayed with me for his Spring Break (along with a whole gaggle of IU Theatre students, except they weren't staying in my teeny apartment with me-thank god.) so I didn't have time to job search. We did lots of fun theater kid stuff like seeing tons of shows. We visited my house in NJ, went to an extended family gathering and tried to not spend all our money on alcohol. He just left Monday, and suddenly reality is smacking me square in the face. It's looking at me with a devilish smirk and saying "I hope you know what you're doing, failure can and very well might happen." Of course I try to focus my attention elsewhere so I don't end up with too many empty containers of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food in my garbage.

I just finished my improv class and had a couple of promising auditions, with many more to come in the next couple of weeks hopefully. It is so bizarre not waking up in the morning and going to work all day. It's a quarter to one and I'm still in my PJs, it's just insanity. It is so easy for me to get down on myself. Even though I have been really productive in the past two days. I found some work I can do, in April albeit.

I think I don't know what to focus on. I was going to go to an audition this morning and yesterday morning but I couldn't pull myself out of bed to go to either of them. Which makes me feel like a waste of space when I wake up hours later. Then it goes downhill from there, I watch a couple episodes of Gilmore Girls, sit in my room with the light off and sneak into the kitchen to make breakfast because I don't want to run into one of my roommates and talk to them about how I'm home now because I left my job so I can pursue my acting career. I just know they're probably thinking, oh sh*t she's probably not going to be able to pay her rent now, even though I will be able to pay rent on time, because I have to, I just need to make it to the kitchen and have some coffee first.

Ok I think I figured out a game plan. I need to find motivation and prioritize. #1 find way to make money so you are not so stressed you can't wake up in the morning. So that is what I will focus on today! Finding another job which could start immediately, specifically looking at waitressing/hostessing positions. #2 Practice your audition pieces so the four auditions you have written out for next week will go smoothly and I'll have no excuses for missing out on them.

Also it's probably a good idea to set a wake up time for days when I don't have anything to do in the morning just so I don't feel like a slovenly mess in the morning because that can kill my motivation for the day.

Ok that is more than enough for one blog post. it is now time for me to go out and seize the day! More to come soon. Now that I don't have a steady job, I really have no excuse for not writing.