decisions, delusions

I am currently vacationing at my summer home. And by summer home I mean my parent's house in Jersey. My vacay was interrupted slightly by Ms. Hurricane Irene, but luckily no damage was done to my area in-particular.

More troublesome to my relaxing vacay than the storm system is all the anxiety I feel while trying to make a couple important decisions. Well, they feel very important to me. Certainly not earth shattering to most people. Let me fill you in: I got cast in Pirates of Penzance at Fiddlehead Theater Co., here's the catch, I thought I'd get a weekly stipend but I wouldn't and I need to find my own housing. I'm having a really hard time deciding if I am either:

A.) Turning into one of those people who starts to sabotage themselves so they can't truly succeed.

Or

B.) Ignoring a strong gut feeling/instinct that I should listen to and will really make me happy in the end.

Here is what I know- It has been a very long time since I was cast in a real musical, it has been a long time since I last performed in a full stage production. In every senario I can possibly work out in my head I will be losing money from pursuing this endeavor. I can't really afford to lose money right now. I keep dreaming about imporv.

More scary still, here are the unkowns: I don't know if I will get cast in anything when I move back to New York.

That is a pretty big unknown. Here's one more: I don't know if the experience of doing this show will help me or hurt me.

The more I think about it the more I have subconsciously decided that I don't think I can do this show. And I know at first after officially making that decision I will feel a wave of relief and then regret and possibly I'll have a fire under my butt flaming a-new with the requirement that I book a show in order to fill this ugly void.

Before I decide I'm going to have to do some number crunching and online horoscope searching, because lets face it, I need some help in making this decision.

I can't believe the summer is over. I know, people say this every year around the last week of August. It always goes so quickly especially when you're enjoying yourself. I was definitely enjoying myself in the Berkshires. I actually feel renewed coming back into the city. I didn't think I was going to feel that way when I was leaving nyc to work in Pittsfield, MA where Barrington Stage Company is, so you can imagine my surprise when I feel like I can't wait to hit the ground running when I'm officially moved back into my apartment.

Today getting off the bus at Port Authority it was good to meet up with a friendly face. Getting lunch in that area I could sense a group of people around me who were my competition, talking about what audition they were coming from toting their audition back pack-ready to quick change into a dress and heels and belt out a 16 bar uptempo in the blink of an eye.

I immediately felt this dread of: oh great now I'm in a huge pool of girls just like me again, how am I going to stand out from the crowd, how can I get myself to wake up every morning to get rejected and wait in a room with all these beautiful talented girls which I can't help but compare myself to. Then I told myself to stop. Live in the moment, you're having lunch with your friend, enjoy that time. Don't think negatively, it will get you nowhere fast. It's easier said than done, but it helped. The more I focus on myself the easier it is to not be concerned with what everyone else is doing. That sounds horrible though. I don't want to turn into someone who is completely self involved. Yet, if I want to be an actor, I don't know if I have a choice.

This week I'm on vacation as far as I'm concerned. I don't start this new phase of my life: back in nyc and better than ever, until after Sept. 1. So for now I'm focused on what's on tv and what's for lunch. After that I'll get back to what's there to audition for.

#biffma

I saw a film at the Berkshire International Film Festival Saturday that I really enjoyed. It was called A Letter to Elia. It was a 60 min movie about how much film director Elia Kazan's work meant to Martin Scorsese. It was written and directed by Kent Jones and Martin Scorcsese. It made me want to watch On the Waterfront and East of Eden. It was my first time seeing a movie in a film festival. It was really cool because Kent Jones was there and spoke about the film before it and had a Q&A afterward. All the old geezers yelling in the back that they couldn't hear him wasn't so cool, but this is the berkshires... most of the people here have grey hair and a winter house in Florida.

Parting with the city for Summer

Pittsfield, MA. It sounds like a horrible place to live, and sometimes it feels like that, but the truth is it's a bizarre, beautiful town in the middle of the Berkshires (which is this cluster of towns that sit in the north west corner of Massachusetts). There is a vibrant art life here and lots to do and explore which is partly why I'm so happy this is my home for the summer.

I'm working as an associate box office manager at Barrington Stage Company. I really wanted to find summer stock work this year but I'm looking at this time away from the city as an opportunity to practice my audition material and refocus myself, because if the city is good at one thing it's getting people into debt. Not that I'm in a lot of debt right now myself. I just mean that the city is so expensive sometimes it's hard to concentrate on things besides how am I going to make money and how am I not going to spend it.

I'm most excited about being able to see lots of theater probably all for free (I'll get comps from BSC). And there is so much theater to see here it's kind of overwhelming between Berkshire Theater Festival, Williamstown Theater Festival, and Shakespeare and Company. Then there are concerts at Tanglewood and dance performances and classes I can take at Jacob's Pillow. I really want to be inspired by all of the art I'll experience this summer. Hopefully that will help motivate me when I return to New York and start auditioning again. I'm pretty certain it will.

Thank you Christmas Cheer!

I'm not really happy with where I am right now. Lately I've really wanted to talk to a fortune teller of some kind. I'm tired of wandering around in the dark. I'm having a lot of trouble enjoying the moment. I'm frustrated with work and I'm frustrated that I can't find any acting work. I know it takes a while to start getting work and booking jobs. I just don't like waiting. Or having to work a money job.

I'm not sure what I expect a fortune teller to tell me. I mean of course I know what I want to hear it say: Don't worry, keep on forging on in this direction, you will work as an actor, this is what you're meant to do. Even if she said I will never be an actor I honestly can't imagine not acting anymore. And it's not like I'm gonna let Miss Janet on 45th street next to the sex shop decide what I'm going to do with my life. But it would be easier than making a decision myself.

Tonight I took my mind off of all that by getting myself into the holiday spirit, decorating the apartment and wrapping presents. It took a while to figure out the best way to hang the garland. I think it should all stay now. At least for the next 24 hours. I really need to go to bed now. Bizarre sleeping habits will not help my get out of this funk. This is all for now.