A day off! That is what today is. I've been working like a dog lately. At the 9/11 memorial visitors center. Talk about a downer. I'm the greeter, it feel a little something like this: Hi! Welcome to the 9/11 memorial visitors center where we will rehash horribly unsettling feelings from the worst attack on American soil in recent history!!!!!!!! Buy a t shirt so you can remember these feelings FOREVER or at least as long as the shirt lasts.

The weirdest part is it feels like a tourist attraction, but it's still filled with people who were personally affected by these events. Pretty unsettling. And this is where I've been working for the past two weeks. I didn't expect it to be so heavily visited or to emotionally affect me so much. The worst part is pretty much no one realizes that you need a visitors pass to enter the memorial because pretty much every newscaster managed to not say as much on tv. This one woman went to me: You should have told the Today Show to say that, my response was: I told Matt Lauer, you messed it up! But he wouldn't listen to me, her response: If you would have told Meredith, she would have listened. Amen sister friend. So anyways I'll get these people who are like I'm from out of town, I have today only and my best friend was in the hijacked plane right behind the terrorist and I have to tell them, I'm sorry you have to reserve your passes in advance online, and then I try to hold back tears meanwhile the video that has been repeating all day cuts to the part where the widow talks about how she can't clean out his closets but stares at his shirts remembering him wearing them... everyday feels like a constant battle not to slit my wrists. And I mean this in the most hilarious way possible. I am actually a stable person who does not have suicidal thoughts. (disclaimer).

Besides that, everything's been going well! If you can believe it. Working on starting to co-create my very first webseries! Also, might I add that despite my crazy work schedule, I've been managing to slip in a few auditions AND stick to the made up diet where I don't consume alcohol or ice cream. Not too shabby. Now if only I had a couple days off to devote to catching up on tv/movies that I've been wanting to see... then I'd be set. 

It's my first week back in New York and it of course has flew by. My horoscope said the end of September would be chaotic, but it feels like the whole month is providing some stiff competition.

The money job situation is definitely getting stressful. I immediately scheduled temp jobs for the next two weeks because I needed money, but I just had to pass up a great waitressing job for it and now I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision by taking temp work. Not that it matters now, because if I back out of the temp work I'd pretty much be excommunicated from the office never to be hired again. At least I'm working.

I was thinking at first that temp work might be a better money job than waitressing, but I'm starting to second guess that because the money temping generally isn't as good and not even as consistent as waitressing can be... For now I'm going to have to table that debate because I'm going to be taking a quick trip home to welcome two new nephews into the world tomorrow.

I am all moved into my apartment in the city. Yay! It felt like a tease, I was all excited to organize everything in my room, but lets be honest I was more overwhelmed with all of the possibilities/lack of possibilities for storage in my room. Luckily my mom was there to help put everything back into working order. Back in NJ I'm tired from waking up early and spending time in the car driving. Feeling stiff. moving in general, no matter how big/little or far is expensive, I have a few things I need to purchase to keep it organized. Trips on the cross town bus to Cost Co will be a must.

Driving through the city today, it was so nice out everyone was jogging and bike riding around. Made me start to wonder, how am I going to continue to keep my serenity I found in the berkshires/my lovely summer cabin getaway in Jerz? I will have to make myself visit parks when ever I get the chance. Not just Riverside, Central too! I need to spread the love for the outdoors. Riverside park is great, but sometimes it can still feel like it's in the middle of all the hubbub that is New York City. The city really has a nack for sucking the happiness out of you and I have to make sure I figure out a way to fight the oppression! I also need to incorporate colors into my room that keep me positive and are soothing. I think putting a curtain up will help.

But I have to sit on all of these ideas, because I'm not living in NYC yet... until Tuesday.

So I did everything I thought I was going to do today-run and bake cupcakes-and really not a whole lot more. Which is fine with me because I am still on vacation in my beautiful summer home (aka mom and dad's).

This comfortable living will of course end soon as I am moving back into NYC this Saturday, and then promptly turning around and driving back home with my parents to spend Labor day weekend with them. Silly, I know but it will be easiest this way, because who wants to do any physical labor on Labor Day? Not this girl.

Trying to stick to a diet but it's hard when you have a compulsion to bake cupcakes. I will be making dinner though tomorrow night, so I have to search to find the perfect recipe for it, something nice and summery in honor of the last fleeting days of it. Fall doesn't start until Sept. 23rd and it's not like I am going back to school or anything.

Well, it kinda does feel like I'm going back to school, now that I think about it. I had a summer away in the rolling hills of the Berkshires and now back to the city, to complete my lesson on how to start a career as an actor. Hopefully this time I'll pass.

I've realized I'm really good at feeling sorry for myself. It needs to stop so I'm going to distract myself by going on a run tomorrow and then making cupcakes which I will surely consume not long after.

It's just that it's difficult to be on facebook and see how successful your friends are and then think about how you were finally cast in a show and had to turn it down in the end because you can't afford to do it because it doesn't really pay... damn you status updates, you've got me doing it again. I am banning myself from facebook. This will be more difficult than trying to not drink coffee, which only lasted 3 days. I'll delete the app from my phone, maybe that will help.

At least for now I should put the computer away and go to sleep. Then in the morning I will just watch tv and feel depressed about how much skinnier the actresses on tv are compared to me. And the camera adds 10 lbs!

Maybe I should just admit this battle against self-pity is one I'm never going to win.

decisions, delusions

I am currently vacationing at my summer home. And by summer home I mean my parent's house in Jersey. My vacay was interrupted slightly by Ms. Hurricane Irene, but luckily no damage was done to my area in-particular.

More troublesome to my relaxing vacay than the storm system is all the anxiety I feel while trying to make a couple important decisions. Well, they feel very important to me. Certainly not earth shattering to most people. Let me fill you in: I got cast in Pirates of Penzance at Fiddlehead Theater Co., here's the catch, I thought I'd get a weekly stipend but I wouldn't and I need to find my own housing. I'm having a really hard time deciding if I am either:

A.) Turning into one of those people who starts to sabotage themselves so they can't truly succeed.

Or

B.) Ignoring a strong gut feeling/instinct that I should listen to and will really make me happy in the end.

Here is what I know- It has been a very long time since I was cast in a real musical, it has been a long time since I last performed in a full stage production. In every senario I can possibly work out in my head I will be losing money from pursuing this endeavor. I can't really afford to lose money right now. I keep dreaming about imporv.

More scary still, here are the unkowns: I don't know if I will get cast in anything when I move back to New York.

That is a pretty big unknown. Here's one more: I don't know if the experience of doing this show will help me or hurt me.

The more I think about it the more I have subconsciously decided that I don't think I can do this show. And I know at first after officially making that decision I will feel a wave of relief and then regret and possibly I'll have a fire under my butt flaming a-new with the requirement that I book a show in order to fill this ugly void.

Before I decide I'm going to have to do some number crunching and online horoscope searching, because lets face it, I need some help in making this decision.

I can't believe the summer is over. I know, people say this every year around the last week of August. It always goes so quickly especially when you're enjoying yourself. I was definitely enjoying myself in the Berkshires. I actually feel renewed coming back into the city. I didn't think I was going to feel that way when I was leaving nyc to work in Pittsfield, MA where Barrington Stage Company is, so you can imagine my surprise when I feel like I can't wait to hit the ground running when I'm officially moved back into my apartment.

Today getting off the bus at Port Authority it was good to meet up with a friendly face. Getting lunch in that area I could sense a group of people around me who were my competition, talking about what audition they were coming from toting their audition back pack-ready to quick change into a dress and heels and belt out a 16 bar uptempo in the blink of an eye.

I immediately felt this dread of: oh great now I'm in a huge pool of girls just like me again, how am I going to stand out from the crowd, how can I get myself to wake up every morning to get rejected and wait in a room with all these beautiful talented girls which I can't help but compare myself to. Then I told myself to stop. Live in the moment, you're having lunch with your friend, enjoy that time. Don't think negatively, it will get you nowhere fast. It's easier said than done, but it helped. The more I focus on myself the easier it is to not be concerned with what everyone else is doing. That sounds horrible though. I don't want to turn into someone who is completely self involved. Yet, if I want to be an actor, I don't know if I have a choice.

This week I'm on vacation as far as I'm concerned. I don't start this new phase of my life: back in nyc and better than ever, until after Sept. 1. So for now I'm focused on what's on tv and what's for lunch. After that I'll get back to what's there to audition for.

#biffma

I saw a film at the Berkshire International Film Festival Saturday that I really enjoyed. It was called A Letter to Elia. It was a 60 min movie about how much film director Elia Kazan's work meant to Martin Scorsese. It was written and directed by Kent Jones and Martin Scorcsese. It made me want to watch On the Waterfront and East of Eden. It was my first time seeing a movie in a film festival. It was really cool because Kent Jones was there and spoke about the film before it and had a Q&A afterward. All the old geezers yelling in the back that they couldn't hear him wasn't so cool, but this is the berkshires... most of the people here have grey hair and a winter house in Florida.

Parting with the city for Summer

Pittsfield, MA. It sounds like a horrible place to live, and sometimes it feels like that, but the truth is it's a bizarre, beautiful town in the middle of the Berkshires (which is this cluster of towns that sit in the north west corner of Massachusetts). There is a vibrant art life here and lots to do and explore which is partly why I'm so happy this is my home for the summer.

I'm working as an associate box office manager at Barrington Stage Company. I really wanted to find summer stock work this year but I'm looking at this time away from the city as an opportunity to practice my audition material and refocus myself, because if the city is good at one thing it's getting people into debt. Not that I'm in a lot of debt right now myself. I just mean that the city is so expensive sometimes it's hard to concentrate on things besides how am I going to make money and how am I not going to spend it.

I'm most excited about being able to see lots of theater probably all for free (I'll get comps from BSC). And there is so much theater to see here it's kind of overwhelming between Berkshire Theater Festival, Williamstown Theater Festival, and Shakespeare and Company. Then there are concerts at Tanglewood and dance performances and classes I can take at Jacob's Pillow. I really want to be inspired by all of the art I'll experience this summer. Hopefully that will help motivate me when I return to New York and start auditioning again. I'm pretty certain it will.

Thank you Christmas Cheer!

I'm not really happy with where I am right now. Lately I've really wanted to talk to a fortune teller of some kind. I'm tired of wandering around in the dark. I'm having a lot of trouble enjoying the moment. I'm frustrated with work and I'm frustrated that I can't find any acting work. I know it takes a while to start getting work and booking jobs. I just don't like waiting. Or having to work a money job.

I'm not sure what I expect a fortune teller to tell me. I mean of course I know what I want to hear it say: Don't worry, keep on forging on in this direction, you will work as an actor, this is what you're meant to do. Even if she said I will never be an actor I honestly can't imagine not acting anymore. And it's not like I'm gonna let Miss Janet on 45th street next to the sex shop decide what I'm going to do with my life. But it would be easier than making a decision myself.

Tonight I took my mind off of all that by getting myself into the holiday spirit, decorating the apartment and wrapping presents. It took a while to figure out the best way to hang the garland. I think it should all stay now. At least for the next 24 hours. I really need to go to bed now. Bizarre sleeping habits will not help my get out of this funk. This is all for now.

Feeling Stuck

Since last Thursday I had the feeling like I've been going non stop. So when I woke up this morning I told myself I couldn't get myself out of bed to go to this audition because I had too many things I had to take care of first. And that is actually partly true. But honestly I was also just feeling discouraged and frustrated because I don't think I'm as good of a musical theater audition-er as I need to be in order to get called back, ect. ect. Seriously though, I have zero underwear to put on and my work clothes really should be cleaned before tomorrow's shift.

The point is I couldn't even allow myself to enjoy my relaxing sleep in this morning and instead I was annoyed with myself for acting like a slob and laying in bed for so long. But I did go back to sleep after I called in for my on call shift at 7am this morning at the restaurant and when I went back to sleep I had the most bizarre dream about the restaurant. One of the managers who just got promoted (in real life) decided to totally redesign the restaurant and it was expanded and became this huge modern swanky place, all the silverware and dishes were different. The tables and chairs were ultra modern and sleek, the bar was like stainless steel and at the point in the dream where I was trying to get this table's drinks no one was behind the bar so I went behind to pour the drinks, but everything was out of reach. It was like I was five trying to pour myself a glass of water in my mom's kitchen. And I was getting really freakin' pissed because I was the only person around. Before that happened though one of my best friend's brother was training to be the new bartender a the restaurant (even though he's under age). And one of the owners was screaming at one of the bartenders and a couple of the servers (one of them being another one of my best friends Annie) and I was like stop freakin' crying I'm trying to do my freakin' job here! And I was like I really need to leave this place.

Obviously I am having serious sub conscious difficulties with where I work. I wonder if it would be better for me to find a job as a cater waiter. I don't really like working in a restaurant. I just like eating the food. Honestly the job makes me drink, and I'm not even using that as a euphemism. Literally, I go to bars after work, I buy liquer to drink at home, sometimes by myself. It certainly isn't helping my personal campaign to loose weight. And I didn't use to do this before.

Coffee break.

Something else I realized that doesn't help to lessen my anxiety is the fact that I have no sense of time. Honestly. I never know what day is going to come next until I look at my iCal, which currently is the anchor of my life, and I don't know where I would be without it. Probably standing in the middle of midtown going, is it Thursday? What time is it? What day is it? It's November right? And I'm still in New York? Is this real life?

Seriously though, when I go to the bathroom I stop and think to myself, this is real right? I'm actually sitting on a toilet and peeing. Because sometimes I get confused about what's a dream, what's real. This happens to me. Not constantly, just sometimes. Good thing no one reads my blog or someone would be committing me to the psych ward.

Today I am going to dance class, maybe even two! That will put me in a great mood hopefully. I didn't go to the gym once in October, not once! What am I doing with myself? Besides the idea exercise=weight loss, I really think it makes me a happier person because I feel good about making good decisions and I have so much energy! Today is important, I'm going to do my laundry, read, prepare for auditions and to top it all off go to dinner with Meggie! Hussah! I can't wait. Most importantly this day off is important to me and will benefit my life. Whoa that sounded a little like Oprah possessed me for a moment.

5 people are currently staying in my 4 bedroom apartment because there's some overlap between one roommate leaving and another moving in. At least our living room seems to be handling the burden pretty well. I can't believe it's November already. I can't wait to see what holidays I'll be working at the restaurant. It'll be ok though because everyone says that you make a lot of money on the holidays, it seems like and even trade, if I can't celebrate with my family then I better be getting paid a lot of money.

I feel like there's a lot of clutter in my life. Probably because I can't fit a bookcase in this tiny room so everything pretty much ends up on my desk. Definitely need to get a big garbage bag and throw out all the garbage/useless stuff in my room. Basically I have lots to do, but instead of making the list smaller and getting things done I decide to sit here blogging. But this is important too, I need to maintain the habit. After this I'm going to search Backstage for auditions and also schedule some dance classes for myself, because it's necessary! I need to start preparing. I think I should make a rule, like at least one tap class and one theater dance class a week. Sounds good to me. Now I just need to make it happen...

This past weekend was trying. I have never needed booze after a work shift as much as I did this weekend. I just can't deal with people in general anymore, they make me so angry and I can't figure out if it's because I feel like I'm stuck in this job or what. But I do know that this job is making me an angry person and I don't think I like that. I love the idea of leaving your money job and just auditioning and forcing yourself to find acting work. I wonder how that would go for me. I have a feeling that if I go out and do summer stock I'll not want to go back to working a money job again. What would I do if I absolutely had to make money acting. The fact is I just don't have the savings to do something like that. I have no way of paying rent if I do that. But that idea is just so interesting to me. Would I pass or fail? Will I not be able to succeed because I will never push myself to that extreme and will alway operate in this comfort zone?

At least I've been going to one audition a week for the past three weeks, that's more than I can say for September. I really need to start preparing for the summer stock season by going to dance classes and getting better at tapping and also just learning choreography. Definitely need an awesome 16 bar cut nailed down too. I have such a hard time finding 16 bar cuts. Someone show me the light, please. Ok, must clean room before I go to bed tonight so I can operate tomorrow.

I've been working on keeping up with my audition log and I'm kind of upset to realize I've only been on 35 auditions since Feb. 10, 2010. I remember talking to a girl I did the Springboard program with and she went on about 200 auditions in a year. I'm suddenly feeling like what the hell have I been doing? But that's not counting submissions I've sent out for audition appointments and there are a couple actor connection seminars that aren't included in that as well. But still! Changing that number ASAP. Buckling down. Going on Backstage now.

It's so cold in my room, definitely need to get dad to take out the air conditioning unit out of my window. Today was long. And I totally bombed my audition. But I learned a couple things
1) warm up before you audition even if it's 5 in the morning
2) don't use a song you haven't practiced with an accompanist or voice teacher no matter how well it applies to what they're casting.

(sleepy time)

So I was way too freakin' tired this morning after getting very little sleep the past couple of nights and didn't go to either of the EPAs I was planning on hitting up. I'm really pissed at myself but I'm calming myself down, telling myself that I have a lot of other things I can get done today that will help my career also. Like submitting online for film auditions finding songs to work on and washing my work clothes. Not all is lost. Maybe even some things were saved. Now Breakfast.

Serious chocolate craving subsided. Really productive day, I feel like things are falling into place for me finally. Somehow I've become comfortable with being frugal, before not spending money made me feel like I was trapped in a box that was closing in on me. Maybe I figured out how to distract myself. Or maybe I'm more focused on auditioning and acting class which is making me a happier person. I like to think that's the reason.

I cannot wait until this Saturday morning when I get to have Brunch finally! I'm so use to working it myself that I just won't know what to do with myself, I'll probably get drunk on mimosas and nap until work that night.

Note to self: remember you have a blog and should update it just for your mental health, because you're really the only one who reads it anyways, let's be real.

Everyday is turning into a double shift day and I think it's starting to wear. Of course it is, I have 3 jobs, what was I thinking? It's not like I have a golden lasso or anything. But I'm so happy to be doing scene work and pretending to me a real actor again, it's fun! And being around a bunch of theater people keeps me motivated. I'm still having a hard time buying food for myself. I just never know what to eat/my fridge is a mess and filled with crap my roommates have made and some stuff seriously needs to be thrown out, and it's not like I'm about to dive into that task soon. There aren't any great take out places around me either. I don't understand what happened to me, I use to love to cook and make things, now I'm just lazy I guess. Ok, putting together a list now: cheese for grilled cheese, lettuce and tomato for salad and what the hell, and onion and cucumber too. That'll do for today, since I'll be working from tonight through the weekend non stop probs. Don't even get me started on the gym. It's so hard for me to get there three times a week, I'm so mad at myself. Maybe I should cancel it and just try to go to dance classes. Maybe I should declare one day that is always my day off work... maybe it should be wednesday. There are a lot of maybes in the last few sentences.

Need to refocus. Current goals: Book summer stock musical theater. Make/Save more money. These two things don't really go hand in hand. I need to pay for classes in order to better my odds of getting cast, but if I keep spending money how can save it?

Blarg. The decision making process continues.

Home for the day, so nice to have extra space to jump around in. Made pancakes for my big girl friend Meggie before her 2nd day of working in the real world. Congratulations on growing up!

It's funny but I feel like my brother always puts my career bluntly in perspective for me. When I come home he always asks if I'm going to be on Broadway yet and yesterday when he picked me up from the train station he goes: So have you been going to a lot of auditions? And I reply well I went to one last week and he goes One? And laughs out loud. His social awkwardness aside, he has a point. Who am I kidding? What can I expect to accomplish if I don't constantly audition. Thanks David, who knew you were such a career coach. He also suggested I use You Tube to become popular. I should start paying him a commission.

Looking forward to starting acting classes and scene work again. Now I need to get into research/reading mode to find scenes I want to work on. I went to this seminar the other week and the leader kept saying "Research is sexy" because really, as actors if you want to be successful, you have to do a lot of it. I like that saying. RESEARCH IS SEXY! Turn me on Inter-webz!

Learning to shop all over again

Exhausted. I hate thinking about money, but it's nearly impossible to avoid. Lately when I start to get too wound up I make myself read a book so I can become distracted by something else. All I'm doing is worrying and that's not going to help. I know it'll work out fine, and I'm sick of feeling stressed and pressured.

I bought a new pair of work shoes on zappos.com the other day. Besides the fact that I love online shopping, I seriously was in need of an up-grade. If I don't have good support on my footsies, I'm gonna end up with a whole lot more of those ugly-ass spider veins. And my $20 Payless solution for work shoes are not getting the job done ne'mo. I can't believe they lasted as long as they did to begin with.

Honestly, for all the shopping potential that NYC holds, I don't find the idea of going out and shopping here that appealing because you have to travel from store to store. Like walk a couple blocks, mind the crazies and possible ride the bus/subway. And it's probably gonna be crowded. It's time like these I long for the mega-absolutely-enormous-malls of New Jersey.

But I made a list of what I will be accomplishing on my day off, and I'm most excited about getting a library card! I hope it's not too difficult. I have this feeling it is going to be just that. Only time will tell I suppose.

In other news, I think I've mastered the art of grocery shopping for myself. Let me tell you it was oddly harder than it should have been. I'm so use to living in a house where there are tons of mouths to feed. I learned grocery shopping from my mom and she was buying for a house full of mouths. But me, I'm just one person and I'm only eating at my apartment 2 days out of the week probably. So I decided to adopt a more "European" way of shopping if you will. If I have the day off and know I will be eating at home, I go to the store that day to buy whatever I will be able to ingest that one day. It sounds so idiotically simple, but honestly it took me a little while to figure it out, a couple moldy boxes of strawberries, 2 rotten peaches to be exact. Also, I blame the super market with their 3 for $5 deals and such. I think I'm getting a bargain but really I'm watching my money rot because I don't end up eating it all, those sneaky buggers.

Well in the words of the ever wise Alanis, you live, you learn, you adopt French habits. Ok that last part was my own addition, but you get the idea.

I want to speak French.

Correction: I want to speak French more often. I was just reminded of how beautiful it sounds coming out of your mouth. Plus I feel like an idiot knowing only one language at the restaurant I work at. You'd think I was in the United Nations with all the languages I hear spoken everyday. But I'm not, I just work next to this hotel that apparently is all the rage all over Europe because those seem to be the only people who stay there. And most of them haven't caught on to the whole tipping your waiter more than 10% thing. Lucky for me.

I'm tired of being jealous of all those beautiful sounding, svelte beret heads, I'm going to be well rounded dammit. I heard of this website where you can video chat with someone and practice a foreign language. But I am sure to get lost in the ocean of google trying to find it. In the mean time I'll watch french movies online and use my imagination. Cue cravings for a pain au chocolat.

Well rounded-ness is bound to make me fat.