#biffma

I saw a film at the Berkshire International Film Festival Saturday that I really enjoyed. It was called A Letter to Elia. It was a 60 min movie about how much film director Elia Kazan's work meant to Martin Scorsese. It was written and directed by Kent Jones and Martin Scorcsese. It made me want to watch On the Waterfront and East of Eden. It was my first time seeing a movie in a film festival. It was really cool because Kent Jones was there and spoke about the film before it and had a Q&A afterward. All the old geezers yelling in the back that they couldn't hear him wasn't so cool, but this is the berkshires... most of the people here have grey hair and a winter house in Florida.

Parting with the city for Summer

Pittsfield, MA. It sounds like a horrible place to live, and sometimes it feels like that, but the truth is it's a bizarre, beautiful town in the middle of the Berkshires (which is this cluster of towns that sit in the north west corner of Massachusetts). There is a vibrant art life here and lots to do and explore which is partly why I'm so happy this is my home for the summer.

I'm working as an associate box office manager at Barrington Stage Company. I really wanted to find summer stock work this year but I'm looking at this time away from the city as an opportunity to practice my audition material and refocus myself, because if the city is good at one thing it's getting people into debt. Not that I'm in a lot of debt right now myself. I just mean that the city is so expensive sometimes it's hard to concentrate on things besides how am I going to make money and how am I not going to spend it.

I'm most excited about being able to see lots of theater probably all for free (I'll get comps from BSC). And there is so much theater to see here it's kind of overwhelming between Berkshire Theater Festival, Williamstown Theater Festival, and Shakespeare and Company. Then there are concerts at Tanglewood and dance performances and classes I can take at Jacob's Pillow. I really want to be inspired by all of the art I'll experience this summer. Hopefully that will help motivate me when I return to New York and start auditioning again. I'm pretty certain it will.

Thank you Christmas Cheer!

I'm not really happy with where I am right now. Lately I've really wanted to talk to a fortune teller of some kind. I'm tired of wandering around in the dark. I'm having a lot of trouble enjoying the moment. I'm frustrated with work and I'm frustrated that I can't find any acting work. I know it takes a while to start getting work and booking jobs. I just don't like waiting. Or having to work a money job.

I'm not sure what I expect a fortune teller to tell me. I mean of course I know what I want to hear it say: Don't worry, keep on forging on in this direction, you will work as an actor, this is what you're meant to do. Even if she said I will never be an actor I honestly can't imagine not acting anymore. And it's not like I'm gonna let Miss Janet on 45th street next to the sex shop decide what I'm going to do with my life. But it would be easier than making a decision myself.

Tonight I took my mind off of all that by getting myself into the holiday spirit, decorating the apartment and wrapping presents. It took a while to figure out the best way to hang the garland. I think it should all stay now. At least for the next 24 hours. I really need to go to bed now. Bizarre sleeping habits will not help my get out of this funk. This is all for now.

Feeling Stuck

Since last Thursday I had the feeling like I've been going non stop. So when I woke up this morning I told myself I couldn't get myself out of bed to go to this audition because I had too many things I had to take care of first. And that is actually partly true. But honestly I was also just feeling discouraged and frustrated because I don't think I'm as good of a musical theater audition-er as I need to be in order to get called back, ect. ect. Seriously though, I have zero underwear to put on and my work clothes really should be cleaned before tomorrow's shift.

The point is I couldn't even allow myself to enjoy my relaxing sleep in this morning and instead I was annoyed with myself for acting like a slob and laying in bed for so long. But I did go back to sleep after I called in for my on call shift at 7am this morning at the restaurant and when I went back to sleep I had the most bizarre dream about the restaurant. One of the managers who just got promoted (in real life) decided to totally redesign the restaurant and it was expanded and became this huge modern swanky place, all the silverware and dishes were different. The tables and chairs were ultra modern and sleek, the bar was like stainless steel and at the point in the dream where I was trying to get this table's drinks no one was behind the bar so I went behind to pour the drinks, but everything was out of reach. It was like I was five trying to pour myself a glass of water in my mom's kitchen. And I was getting really freakin' pissed because I was the only person around. Before that happened though one of my best friend's brother was training to be the new bartender a the restaurant (even though he's under age). And one of the owners was screaming at one of the bartenders and a couple of the servers (one of them being another one of my best friends Annie) and I was like stop freakin' crying I'm trying to do my freakin' job here! And I was like I really need to leave this place.

Obviously I am having serious sub conscious difficulties with where I work. I wonder if it would be better for me to find a job as a cater waiter. I don't really like working in a restaurant. I just like eating the food. Honestly the job makes me drink, and I'm not even using that as a euphemism. Literally, I go to bars after work, I buy liquer to drink at home, sometimes by myself. It certainly isn't helping my personal campaign to loose weight. And I didn't use to do this before.

Coffee break.

Something else I realized that doesn't help to lessen my anxiety is the fact that I have no sense of time. Honestly. I never know what day is going to come next until I look at my iCal, which currently is the anchor of my life, and I don't know where I would be without it. Probably standing in the middle of midtown going, is it Thursday? What time is it? What day is it? It's November right? And I'm still in New York? Is this real life?

Seriously though, when I go to the bathroom I stop and think to myself, this is real right? I'm actually sitting on a toilet and peeing. Because sometimes I get confused about what's a dream, what's real. This happens to me. Not constantly, just sometimes. Good thing no one reads my blog or someone would be committing me to the psych ward.

Today I am going to dance class, maybe even two! That will put me in a great mood hopefully. I didn't go to the gym once in October, not once! What am I doing with myself? Besides the idea exercise=weight loss, I really think it makes me a happier person because I feel good about making good decisions and I have so much energy! Today is important, I'm going to do my laundry, read, prepare for auditions and to top it all off go to dinner with Meggie! Hussah! I can't wait. Most importantly this day off is important to me and will benefit my life. Whoa that sounded a little like Oprah possessed me for a moment.

5 people are currently staying in my 4 bedroom apartment because there's some overlap between one roommate leaving and another moving in. At least our living room seems to be handling the burden pretty well. I can't believe it's November already. I can't wait to see what holidays I'll be working at the restaurant. It'll be ok though because everyone says that you make a lot of money on the holidays, it seems like and even trade, if I can't celebrate with my family then I better be getting paid a lot of money.

I feel like there's a lot of clutter in my life. Probably because I can't fit a bookcase in this tiny room so everything pretty much ends up on my desk. Definitely need to get a big garbage bag and throw out all the garbage/useless stuff in my room. Basically I have lots to do, but instead of making the list smaller and getting things done I decide to sit here blogging. But this is important too, I need to maintain the habit. After this I'm going to search Backstage for auditions and also schedule some dance classes for myself, because it's necessary! I need to start preparing. I think I should make a rule, like at least one tap class and one theater dance class a week. Sounds good to me. Now I just need to make it happen...