Learning to shop all over again

Exhausted. I hate thinking about money, but it's nearly impossible to avoid. Lately when I start to get too wound up I make myself read a book so I can become distracted by something else. All I'm doing is worrying and that's not going to help. I know it'll work out fine, and I'm sick of feeling stressed and pressured.

I bought a new pair of work shoes on zappos.com the other day. Besides the fact that I love online shopping, I seriously was in need of an up-grade. If I don't have good support on my footsies, I'm gonna end up with a whole lot more of those ugly-ass spider veins. And my $20 Payless solution for work shoes are not getting the job done ne'mo. I can't believe they lasted as long as they did to begin with.

Honestly, for all the shopping potential that NYC holds, I don't find the idea of going out and shopping here that appealing because you have to travel from store to store. Like walk a couple blocks, mind the crazies and possible ride the bus/subway. And it's probably gonna be crowded. It's time like these I long for the mega-absolutely-enormous-malls of New Jersey.

But I made a list of what I will be accomplishing on my day off, and I'm most excited about getting a library card! I hope it's not too difficult. I have this feeling it is going to be just that. Only time will tell I suppose.

In other news, I think I've mastered the art of grocery shopping for myself. Let me tell you it was oddly harder than it should have been. I'm so use to living in a house where there are tons of mouths to feed. I learned grocery shopping from my mom and she was buying for a house full of mouths. But me, I'm just one person and I'm only eating at my apartment 2 days out of the week probably. So I decided to adopt a more "European" way of shopping if you will. If I have the day off and know I will be eating at home, I go to the store that day to buy whatever I will be able to ingest that one day. It sounds so idiotically simple, but honestly it took me a little while to figure it out, a couple moldy boxes of strawberries, 2 rotten peaches to be exact. Also, I blame the super market with their 3 for $5 deals and such. I think I'm getting a bargain but really I'm watching my money rot because I don't end up eating it all, those sneaky buggers.

Well in the words of the ever wise Alanis, you live, you learn, you adopt French habits. Ok that last part was my own addition, but you get the idea.

I want to speak French.

Correction: I want to speak French more often. I was just reminded of how beautiful it sounds coming out of your mouth. Plus I feel like an idiot knowing only one language at the restaurant I work at. You'd think I was in the United Nations with all the languages I hear spoken everyday. But I'm not, I just work next to this hotel that apparently is all the rage all over Europe because those seem to be the only people who stay there. And most of them haven't caught on to the whole tipping your waiter more than 10% thing. Lucky for me.

I'm tired of being jealous of all those beautiful sounding, svelte beret heads, I'm going to be well rounded dammit. I heard of this website where you can video chat with someone and practice a foreign language. But I am sure to get lost in the ocean of google trying to find it. In the mean time I'll watch french movies online and use my imagination. Cue cravings for a pain au chocolat.

Well rounded-ness is bound to make me fat.

This old thing?

I became very busy after my last blog post to say the least.

Cliff Notes version: Got a job, kept auditioning, taking classes, signed lease on apartment, was just cast in my first production in New York.

Nothing to phone home about really, it's a non-paying one act about high schoolers auditioning for A Chorus Line, which I think is hilarious, and it's nice to be working on something and quell my fears that I will never ever be in a real show again. For now.

July was hectic, August is already starting to feel more soothing. Starting off with a nice relaxing day with my sister. I'm so lucky to live near to my family. I like to think I could handle total and complete independence thousands of miles away from home just fine, but it really helps to have the fam near by.

I still have tons of random tid-bits that need to get done. In the midst of all my tid-bits though, I seriously need to brush up on my French. I always hear people speaking it in the restaurant and it makes me want to speak with them, but I lack so much confidence in that department. It's time for more change and confidence and inspiration.

I picked up backstage the other day and there were all these books that the Drama Book Shop said were really inspiring for actors -- must reads, so I walk in and I'm like where can I find these books and they're like: Oh these books? They're out of print. Ok well that was helpful. I'm so glad I took the time to read this article. Great. Moving on to more positive things, I'm all registered for One on One, now I just need the savings to pay for me to meet all these wonderful directors and casting directors and agents.

I'm thinking August will be my saving-up-for-things month. Great choice since nearly everyone in Manhattan goes on vacation in August and therefore will not be eating at my restaurant and therefore will not be tipping me.

Ok so how about September instead... everyone reluctantly coming back to live in their overcrowded city and paying me some monies. Yes, I think that's a better idea.

I swear I will write more than once every 4 months. It's for my peace of mind, therapy... or to make my self think I'm important. Does it really matter why I do it? It's not like anyone reads this thing.

Moving on, wait where do I go?

I realized something recently, I need energy, positive energy! It's so easy for me to go to Sad Grumpy Land now a days, and the rain isn't helping. I think the key to unleashing this ball of positive energy I keep under lock down is ... exercise! I definitely don't get enough of it. It would be a great solution to my constantly-wanting-to-eat syndrome and sweet cravings. It would offer a distraction and it doesn't have to cost much. I can run in the park, and until the rain clears up I have 4 more dance classes left on my Steps dance card and there's also Yoga to the People.

Other things that would help: waking up before noon, getting out of my bedroom before 2pm, not getting sucked into watching TV shows online or on dvd. But most of all I need to stop comparing myself to other people; A little kernel of knowledge my parents shared with me this weekend. And when I felt moisture starting to swell up in my eyes after I realized that they hit on something major. It drives me crazy, honestly it's what I think about almost all the time. Sitting in a room filled with over a hundred girls for over 2 hours waiting to sing 8 bars in front of three people who will make a snap decision about you, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else there. I look at their resumes, filled with credits, they're not afraid to let people see all of the fabulous projects they got to work on. Then I get all woe-as-me, why would they ever choose me, and I really don't want to be that person! I don't want to be comforted and I don't want to have to go home and eat my emotions, which I am really excellent at by the way.

It kills myself esteem, it's not healthy for me, it's not helping. What makes it worse is after these auditions, I have no job to run to, or errands to run, or anything else to distract me from just lingering on how the audition went, what I could have done better, and the fact that I got rejected, again. That needs to change. Today I'm hoping to change that, I'm determined to actually. It's going to happen, I'm going to find a money job and get the hell out of this room!

I sound so sad, I didn't use to feel like this all the time. I need to lighten the hell up.

Everything's up in the air

It's been a little while since I wrote a new entry and lots has been going on over in these here parts, so buckle in and stay focused as I bring this rusty old thing up to speed.

I was working full time at Modell's Sporting Goods, but I quit a week and a half ago because I didn't have anytime to audition for shows, now I am currently unemployed, still living in my cute little apt on the upper west side very rapidly snowballing towards being dead broke.

The only reason I am still unemployed is my boyfriend David stayed with me for his Spring Break (along with a whole gaggle of IU Theatre students, except they weren't staying in my teeny apartment with me-thank god.) so I didn't have time to job search. We did lots of fun theater kid stuff like seeing tons of shows. We visited my house in NJ, went to an extended family gathering and tried to not spend all our money on alcohol. He just left Monday, and suddenly reality is smacking me square in the face. It's looking at me with a devilish smirk and saying "I hope you know what you're doing, failure can and very well might happen." Of course I try to focus my attention elsewhere so I don't end up with too many empty containers of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food in my garbage.

I just finished my improv class and had a couple of promising auditions, with many more to come in the next couple of weeks hopefully. It is so bizarre not waking up in the morning and going to work all day. It's a quarter to one and I'm still in my PJs, it's just insanity. It is so easy for me to get down on myself. Even though I have been really productive in the past two days. I found some work I can do, in April albeit.

I think I don't know what to focus on. I was going to go to an audition this morning and yesterday morning but I couldn't pull myself out of bed to go to either of them. Which makes me feel like a waste of space when I wake up hours later. Then it goes downhill from there, I watch a couple episodes of Gilmore Girls, sit in my room with the light off and sneak into the kitchen to make breakfast because I don't want to run into one of my roommates and talk to them about how I'm home now because I left my job so I can pursue my acting career. I just know they're probably thinking, oh sh*t she's probably not going to be able to pay her rent now, even though I will be able to pay rent on time, because I have to, I just need to make it to the kitchen and have some coffee first.

Ok I think I figured out a game plan. I need to find motivation and prioritize. #1 find way to make money so you are not so stressed you can't wake up in the morning. So that is what I will focus on today! Finding another job which could start immediately, specifically looking at waitressing/hostessing positions. #2 Practice your audition pieces so the four auditions you have written out for next week will go smoothly and I'll have no excuses for missing out on them.

Also it's probably a good idea to set a wake up time for days when I don't have anything to do in the morning just so I don't feel like a slovenly mess in the morning because that can kill my motivation for the day.

Ok that is more than enough for one blog post. it is now time for me to go out and seize the day! More to come soon. Now that I don't have a steady job, I really have no excuse for not writing.